Author: Cylvia Hayes

Being Ridiculous

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself – and the little unexpected beauties in life.

I was in a hurry to get to church. A big hurry to go find some calm and spiritual communion. Ha!

I had made myself late squeezing in a few extra little chores that morning.   A few blocks from my house I got stalled by a slow-moving train. Arghhh. Getting increasingly stressed in my quest for enlightenment.

It was made worse because I was determined to get a cup of coffee first.   I had forgotten to buy any the day before and hadn’t yet had a cup.   I wanted a cup of Joe to go as I scurried to church.

FINALLY! The train crossing cleared.

I know I’m going to be late. I don’t like it. But I AM going to get a cup of coffee!

I fly to Starbucks. There is a line. The young woman in front of me is glued to the screen on her phone. I am annoyed. Not really sure why, just annoyed.

The line moves but she doesn’t. Glued to her phone.

I say, “Are you in line?”

She looks up at me and calmly says, “Yes I am.”

Now at this point, the line has moved but it’s not like there is an open cashier. It’s not like I could have pushed the young woman forward and gotten my coffee any sooner.

She then looks at me and says, “You seem like you’re in a hurry, why don’t you just go in front of me?”

Well! The nerve! Was she being snotty?

And then I caught myself. I looked at her and realized she wasn’t being snotty – she just wasn’t in a hurry.

I was suddenly embarrassed. I realized how ridiculous I was being. I laughed and said, “You know, I am in a hurry even though I don’t even really need to be. Nobody cares if I’m late to church. I got frustrated behind a train and then frustrated behind you. I’m sorry.”

She gestured for me to go in front of her.

Though uncomfortable I said, “You know I will. Thank you. And I will pay it forward. Thank you for being so gracious.”

I got my coffee and turned back to her. She was still in line. I gave her a little bow and mouthed “thank you.” She smiled back and said, “Have a lovely day.”

It was so beautiful.   Her graciousness and my willingness to recognize my silliness created a moment for a simple, kind human connection.

I was ten minutes late getting to church. Nobody cared. I took a seat in the back. It felt as though the gracious young woman from Starbucks was sitting right beside me.

 

Cylvia Hayes 

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Don’t Let Comparison Rob You!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

 

How many times have you asked yourself, “Am I as pretty as _______?”   “As successful as _______?” “As smart as _______?” “As thin as _______?” “As good as _________, or ________ or ________?” Blah, blah, blah …

Boy do I get it! I have spent a lifetime comparing myself to others and judging my worth by how I thought I stacked up. I’d either gain a little boost by feeling smugly superior or sink a little lower from judging that other person to be a little better, or more than me.

In this culture we’re trained to do it. Our consumerist, advertisement-soaked society begs and baits us to compare and to find ourselves and our lives lacking so that we will buy, buy, buy things to make it better.

And here’s the really crazy thing — most of the time in this edited, photo-shopped, airbrushed world we’re not even comparing ourselves to real people. We are comparing ourselves to illusions! What could be more damaging to our sense of worth?

In addition to the mass media pressure, many of us were trained as kids to compare. I remember feeling sad and scared but also proud when my dad tore into my little brother because he, “Wasn’t as tough” as I was. He yelled, “Your sister should have been the boy you little wimp!” I also remember feeling cut to the bone when Dad told me the neighbor girl had a much better figure than I did. For a while I took care of that by getting skinnier through an eating disorder and extreme exercise addiction.

I tried to overcome the not-enoughness by working my butt off, in my education, my career, at the gym, even in my spiritual discipline.   I drove and strove to achieve success as it’s defined by our shallow culture – physical beauty, wealth, fame, being better than others.

My comparison addiction wasn’t conscious. I didn’t realize I was doing it until I went through a spectacular, public “fall from grace.” In the horrible aftermath of having so much of my life shatter many things have come clear. Getting a better handle on the damage we do to ourselves through comparison is one of the most recent. I was shocked when I realized how much this had affected my life, my peace and my relationships – especially with myself. It might not have been conscious but it was frickin’ exhausting!

The need to feel significant, important, valuable is a universal human need. And yet, as Brene Brown points out in her wonderful book, The Gifts of Imperfection, our culture usually measures a person’s value and contribution by their level of public recognition – in other words fame and fortune. It undervalues the contributions we make as ordinary, hard-working women and men.   It basically deems ordinary people meaningless. This of course makes the urge to compare ourselves to the idealized illusions all the stronger and the outcome all the more disappointing.

Being loved is another universal human need. These two strong needs, the need to be loved and feel valuable, are the biggest driving forces behind our tendency to compare ourselves to others. They’re also the driving forces behind bullying.

As a result of my recent experiences I’ve been researching, writing and speaking about the phenomenon of bullying and public shaming that is so rampant in our culture. Research, and I would add, common sense, suggests that one of the biggest drivers of bullying is insecurity. We’re most likely to rip others down when we’re feeling inferior or jealous. I know this because, although I don’t like to admit it, I sometimes feel it in myself. I’ve never actually bullied anyone or spread nastiness on social media but I’ve felt that little surge of glee when a “big shot” gets “taken down a few notches”. The uncomfortable truth is when I feel that way it’s because I’m feeling inferior and jealous.

So, to all of you out there who have been or are being bullied, please understand, it’s really not even about you — it’s the terrible insecurity in the attackers.   And to those who might feel that bullying, criticizing urge, stop a moment, look inside and find out why you’re judging yourself so harshly. What pain and insecurity are you carrying that makes you think you’ll feel more worthy by tearing someone else down? Getting honest about that will transform your life and our world.

So for me, I’m now doing my best, very intentionally, not to compare and recognize that those sparkly, air-brushed two-dimensional illusions don’t hold a candle to my own, gritty, beautiful Self.

I sincerely hope that this little post will help you remember that you are genuinely unique, and truly, beautifully incomparable. As are we all.

P.S. Resources to help us move Beyond Bullying can be found here.

Cylvia Hayes

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Resistance Far From Futile

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Like so many who believe the election of Donald Trump to be dangerous and harmful I have been going through the various stages of grief coupled with a lot of worry and fear.

As a life-long environmental and social activist it’s easy to focus on the pain. The specter of increased assault on our Earth hurts, a lot. So does the ramped up trampling of Native American rights in pursuit of even more fossil fuel. And the incredible discrimination against Muslims, Mexicans and others.

The Eco-warrior in me wants to fight, to hit back. But the Spiritual-warrior cautions.

It is so common for activist movements to take up the language, rhetoric and tone of war. And yet rarely, in either left leaning or right leaning causes, has that really worked. Just consider the War on Poverty, War on Drugs, War on Terrorism. How are any of those battlefields working for us?

Just consider, Trump’s “War on the Media” is currently actually increasing ratings for cable news networks! I know I am watching more of the dubious stuff as I try to keep up with developments and refuse to be informed solely by the Twitterin’ Chief. Although given what I learned first hand about the dishonesty, intentional or otherwise, put forward in sensationalist “Breaking News” I won’t allow myself to get sucked in (even though it can be tempting!).

These are definitely serious times that demand serious responses. Part of that will certainly be standing up to misguided, dangerous and just plain ugly behavior and rhetoric. But while I think standing against is important, it’s also essential we make the firm commitment and do the work to stand for something better.

Recently I posted a response from an Iranian friend of mine when I reached out to tell him I was thinking of him in the hours after the Muslim travel ban. His words really moved me (still do). I share them again here because I think they express both resistance and standing for.

Here is some of what he wrote:

“Our new President has become our teacher, perhaps not the kind we sought or were waiting for but nevertheless he is teaching us with every action he has taken and every order he signed in the past week. He is teaching us we need to be more engaged and involved if we want our country to live up to its constitution and to our core values; that fearmongering works and discrimination and racism is well and alive; that a democracy can only be democratic if its citizenry is engaged and informed; that you can completely derail an established system of government by misinformation and alternative facts.

We have also shown that we are excellent students and learn quickly. We demonstrated that people power overcomes hatred and bigotry; that there are so many people in this country who care enough to come together to have their voices heard and support those who are suffering; that hundreds of attorneys have set up shop across the country in numerous airports and are offering their services pro bono to those in need; that love and compassion are greater than any executive order and humanity cannot survive without them. ……..

While we go through the harsh winter of this political season, we also know that spring will come sooner or later. We’ll work together to plow the snow off the streets and sidewalks so we can still move and function even in the midst of winter.”

 

I know that putting more violence and hatred into the world will not achieve the peace and healing we activists want. Our resistance movement has an opportunity to lead our country through this learning moment in a way that increases kindness, compassion and healing. To do so, the focus must be on evolving and elevating ourselves, our neighbors, our culture rather than tearing down the other.

One thing that will help us have the spiritual discipline to stand up while staying above the ugliness is to celebrate successes every chance we get. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and depressed by always focusing on the problems we’re tackling and the never-ending work to be done. But this only disempowers us.

I was recently blown away when I took a look at all the successes the resistance movement has had in recent weeks.

  • First was the incredible, unprecedented mobilization for peace that we saw in the Women’s marches all across the country and world. It was the largest civil action in U.S. history!
  • This is mow mushrooming into an unprecedented level of progressive action movements including Indivisible, Pussy Hat Movement, Movement Match and Movement2017 among others.
  • People standing up for Veterans forced the Trump Administration to back off a hiring freeze on open federal positions at the Department of Veteran’s Affairs.
  • People standing up for justice and fairness sent the American Civil Liberties Union a record-breaking $24 million in one weekend to support ACLU efforts.
  • People standing up for environmental protection and climate action forced Trump to back down on his plan to scrub all climate change information from the Environmental Protection Agency website. Climate change information is once again posted on the site.
  • The GrabYourWallet campaign to boycott companies selling Trump products is gaining steam. Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, Shoes.com are just some of the companies that dropped Trump brands.
  • Other companies are providing powerful leadership. Kellogg’s stopped advertising with Breitbart News, and Lyft pledged $1 million to the American Civil Liberties Union over the next four years.
  • And then there’s the tremendous victory in halting Trump’s Muslim ban. First Microsoft, Amazon and Expedia took the ban to court. Then, last week a federal judge in Washington State temporarily blocked the ban and just yesterday the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld that block by a bi-partisan unanimous vote.

Powerful stuff! In order to build momentum for ongoing, effective action we will need to celebrate successes. We will also need to take care of ourselves and one another. I recently heard Marianne Williamson address a crowd of regular meditators about how they can take action during these challenging times. She said, “Even people who sit must stand!” I loved it! And yet, it got me thinking about how many activists don’t take very good care of themselves. So I am flipping it and saying those of us who stand must also sit sometimes!

In order to stay healthy and keep our Resiliency Muscles strong we will need to find quiet time and rest. We will need to play and laugh. If you’re one of those who feel such things aren’t productive I’d urge you to reconsider. Burn-out and depression are occupational hazards for committed activists young and old. And right now we just can’t have that! Take care of your inner environment so that you can do your very best work on behalf of our outer environment.

So here’s to you activists. And to the long haul, the arc toward justice and a long, prolonged, multi-hued and faceted victory march.

Cylvia Hayes

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Making Herstory!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Just after the presidential election, I along with millions of others joined Women’s Marches all across the country in protest of Trump’s ugly rhetoric and disrespect of women, people of color and those with disabilities. Here in my hometown of Bend Oregon more than 3,000 of us braved a driving snowstorm to come together to support kindness, unity and equality. In nearly twenty years of activism I have never seen my community so mobilized.

All across the country the Women’s Marches blew away the expected crowd sizes. Half a million people in DC. Boston expected crowds of 20,000 but over 100,000 turned out. Over 100,000 in Portland Oregon! As I write, late evening, the marches and rallies and massive crowds are still there, still active, still standing strong.

The pure display of powerful, impassioned women (and men who support them) really struck me. I feel very strongly that there has never been a more important time for “the feminine” to step up.

What do I mean by that? Well, I sure as hell don’t mean “ladylike”, as in polite and refined. And I don’t mean weak or subservient. What I mean by “the feminine” is that part of us (both men and women) that is brave enough to own and share our feelings. Our feminine is the part that is more about creating than destroying. It’s the part that seeks to nurture ourselves and others but will fight like a mama lion when necessary. It’s the part that doesn’t need to brag, belittle and boast to know and show our own worth and strength.

In our culture the feminine is massively undervalued. There is no clearer evidence than the election of Donald Trump who consistently uses braggadocio, threats and pussy-grabbing boasts to try to look strong. Now that’s nasty.

This devaluation of the feminine in our culture is so entrenched, so much the norm, that we don’t even have language to describe it! “Emasculate” means to castrate or weaken someone. So doesn’t that suggest that the word “effeminate” should mean to make something less feminine? Well, it doesn’t – according to the dictionary it’s an offensive term meaning “over-refined and lacking strength”. There is no word in the English language to describe the weakening or negative effects of reducing someone’s femininity.

History is being made. The events are historic. The crowds are historic. One man wants to make this all about his story. But in the end, our opportunity here is to make Herstory.

Thanks to all the women and men who marched today and especially to those of you who organized all these events. A great response. Now the call is to make this a beginning and not just an event.

Cylvia Hayes

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A Toast to the Challenges of 2016

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

grateful-for

So we’re moving into yet another new year. Lot’s of people (me included) have been noting how this has been a tough year. But before it slips into the rearview mirror I want to take a moment to appreciate these past twelve months. They’ve been hard to be sure, but also really, really rich.

Here’s my toast to 2016 — I thank you for …

  • All the incredible growth and learning that came from the big challenges
  • The forced Reinvention that’s broadening my self-identity
  • The beautiful softening that comes with humility
  • Those moments when I felt so overwhelmed and broken that I stopped trying to plan, work, force and just gave in, got present and really saw the beauty right there in that moment
  • My incredible true friends and Beloved John who stuck with me and offered love and support
  • My Resiliency Muscles and the new appreciation I have for how the hard times in the past prepared me for these recent unprecedented challenges

For me 2016 sure wasn’t easy but it was uniquely beautiful, I think of it as a gift wrapped in barbed wire.

I would love to know what you were grateful for in 2016.  What were the unexpected and unasked for gifts wrapped in barbed wire that showed up just for you?   To what do you toast the year just passing?

Cylvia Hayes #cylviahayes #resiliencymuscles

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Happy Solstice!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
Winter Solstice in the Forest. #cylviahayes
Winter Solstice in the Forest. #cylviahayes

Today is Winter Solstice, the shortest day and longest night of the year. It’s an odd transition. Although from here forward each day will get a little longer, will move toward spring, we’ve actually just hit the long heart of winter.

It’s like a little promise of light just as things go cold and dark.

I love observing Nature’s seasons and cycles because they mirror our lives. Dark, hard times come and they can seem unbearably long. But these are often the times that empower us to really appreciate the light and to seek it out more intentionally.

Seasons shift, the wheel turns and slowly but surely we’re moving again towards warmth and light. Remembering this can help us fully embrace the magic and mysteries of winter as well as the darker seasons in the miracle of our own lives.

Happy Solstice!

Cylvia Hayes

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A Surprising Project About Trump

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

reasons to believe-FINAL.inddWanted to share with you a fun project I’ve been involved with. Believe it or not it’s a book exploring evidence that Donald Trump will be a great President! Stay with me ….. !

In this book, Dr. Ann Alystiam reveals the qualifications and evidence suggesting that Donald Trump will be a great President. She documents Trump’s genuine promises and strong commitments to:

  • Bettering the Lives of Working-class People
  • Supporting People Who Aren’t Wealthy, White and Straight
  • Treating Women With Respect
  • Protecting our Environment and Livability of our Planet

The book is an exceptionally easy read and concludes with a surprisingly hopeful epilogue. Whatever you do don’t miss the epilogue!

A great gift to bring some humor and healing into the New Year and new political reality.

I know those of you who know me will find this a huge surprise but just check out the book description when it comes out in the next day or two. It’s not what you might be thinking!

#cylviahayes

Fifty Shades of Abundance!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
This is me, the magical fifty dollar bill and the little hot tub back in business.
This is me, the magical fifty dollar bill and the little hot tub back in business.

I just had an amazing experience of gratitude and simple abundance. I am currently taking an Absolute Abundance course through the Unity church I belong to. While I feel massive abundance in many areas – relationships, my lovely home, my health – on the financial front I am not where I want to be.

I’ve decided it’s time to finally focus on figuring out the whole financial mastery game so, among other actions, I signed up for the Abundance class. I knew it would focus on how we think about money, earning, prosperity, value, etc. And I am a firm believer that our thoughts, beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves are directly responsible for the things and circumstances that manifest in our lives. I’ve seen it in my own life so many times in wonderful and definitely not so wonderful ways!

Yesterday started out in a not so wonderful direction. I woke up with “Monkey Mind”, worried about money issues and bills, just generally stressed.

But, as I’ve learned to do, I followed through with my morning meditation, reflections and intentions. And, I was able to shift the fear-based thinking far more easily than ever before! It was like one of those moments in high school or college when all of the sudden something clicks, you understand it, and you realize that all the study and practice actually paid off!

And so, in that clearer state I walked into the Abundance class. Pretty soon the teacher, Jane, handed out real dollar bills that had been cut into puzzle pieces and told us to write down what we were thinking about that sliced up money.   OK … I’m game. I’ll play.

Then she tore up a fake $50 bill. OK. Yep, money is just paper, etc.

Then she tore up a REAL $50 bill. What? What the heck?! The whole tone in our group shifted from playful to serious. We had a very charged and telling discussion about it. As that was going on I got to thinking about how much Jane was giving us. Her time, her energy, the preparation effort and even her own money. I wanted to give back a little bit. I only had $10 cash with me, but I gave it to her. She accepted it warmly. It felt good.

Then Jane made her next move and it took me back 15 years. Way back then I had attended a workshop led by a person who had, much more recently behaved very badly toward me. I did not have a positive feeling toward that person.

However in that workshop all those years ago this person had held up a $20 bill and asked, “Who wants this?” I didn’t speak up. I guess I couldn’t believe anyone would really just give me twenty bucks. Somebody else did speak up and they got the money.

So, yesterday, when Jane held up a new, fully intact $50 bill and said, “Who would like this?” Immediately I shot my hand into the air and said, ”Me!” And it was mine! Afterwards I realized that that person who had recently wronged me had, in another role and time, also been an important teacher. I would never have jumped in to claim the $50 had I not been in his workshop all those years ago.

But wait! There’s more to this 50 Shades of Abundance experience!

In keeping with my commitment to tithe, before I left the Abundance class I wrote a $5 check (ten percent of the $50 Jane had given me) to Unity. It felt good to feel abundant enough to drop that small check into the basket.

Then I rushed home to meet the repairman for my hot tub. It had stopped heating a week earlier. Even though it’s old it had never done that before and I was worried it was pretty serious – a heating element, a burned out pump, something expensive.

I was struggling a bit with guilt and indecision. Because of the cash flow issues I was feeling like, “You know my tub is not a necessity. Maybe it’s just decadence to spend money getting it fixed right now. Maybe I should just drain it and turn it off.” On the other hand I missed it terribly. It was the place where each morning I would sit in warm water out in my peaceful little yard surrounded by birds and squirrels and meditate, pray and do my spiritual studies. It was a sacred little space and I always felt peaceful and abundant when I was able to start my day in such a sweet, beautiful, gentle way.

The repairman showed up. I pushed the worries away and tried to stay in the glow of Abundance thinking. In less than ten minutes he got the tub working again. It turned out that leaves and pine needles had been sucked into and were blocking a valve in the pump. It didn’t need any big repairs or any new parts!

I was delighted and said, “What do I owe you?” He said, “Well, I have a flat house call rate but this was so fast I’ll cut that in half. How about $50?”

Ha! Fifty bucks again! Not only the fifty-dollar charge but the fifty-dollar discount I didn’t have to pay! Fifty Shades of Abundance!

For me this was a small but amazing example of flow and what can happen when we shift our focus from scarcity to gratitude.

Do you have a special abundance or gratitude story you’d like to share? I’d love to hear it.

(Special thanks to Reverend Jane Hiatt of Unity of Central Oregon).

Cylvia Hayes

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One Question that Will Change Your Whole Day

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

tigers-nest-cyl-in-monestory-doorOne of the most empowering things I’ve started doing is asking myself really useful questions.   Until recently one of my favorites was “What kind of day do I want to have?” This question helps to focus on what we want to accomplish and do and feel each day. Today I want to kick butt at work. Today I want make sure I work out. Today I want to experience a lot of happiness. Today I want to cross everything off the Do List. Etc., etc.

But very recently the question evolved a little into something I REALLY LOVE! The new improved power question is “WHAT KIND OF DAY DO I WANT TO BRING INTO THE WORLD TODAY?”

I love this slight reframe because it shifts from just thinking about getting to also focusing on giving.  Yes, I still want my knee to heal. And yes I want to grow my business a bit. And yes I want some personal challenges to go AWAY!  Yes, all of that AND I also want to be kind to everyone I meet today.  I want to increase the love in the world by being loving.  I want to listen deeply to my partner or my child or my friend who is struggling.

Throughout the day – during work, while working out, going through the checkout line in the grocery store, etc. — if I stay aware of the “Kind of Day I Want to Bring Into the World” I am a little kinder and more thoughtful.  And every time I have a day like that I’m automatically a little happier and more content.

So I ask YOU, what kind of day do you want to bring into our world today?

Cylvia Hayes  #cylviahayes 

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Taking Back Our Politics with Our Hearts

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Wow, I amdemocracy-keep-calm just stunned by the ugliness of the presidential campaign and the awful, low level of our civic conversation — so much fear and attack and “Us versus Them”. This campaign does not reflect the best of what America could be and it doesn’t reflect what I want to be part of.

It just flies in the face of the fact that we are actually all in this together and if we really want our country to be as great as it has the potential to be we have to reconnect with that truth.

I just read a piece on how to heal the heart of our democracy that I thought I’d share with you because it struck a cord and offers some deeper insight into how we move beyond the current ugliness by reconnecting with our deeper selves.

The article can be found here.

I would love to know what you think about this.

Cylvia Hayes #cylviahayes

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