Author: Cylvia Hayes

Getting Irritated with an Angel

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
Dog spelled backwards is GOD.

I just got irritated with an angel.

This morning while doing my meditation and spiritual practices I had a message come through that I should drop the planning for a while, just do what’s right in front of me and trust the rest would work out.

Well, I am a planner baby! I have a daily do list, a weekly do list and longer range goals and plans. I like lists so much that when I wind up doing something productive that’s not on the list that day, I’ll write it on just so I can cross it off. Yes, I know, I know. …

Well, one thing on today’s list was taking my laptop to the shop because the battery needed to be replaced. I took Tessa, my big dog, with me because the computer shop is in the Old Mill District here in Bend Oregon and it’s beautiful and really dog-friendly. Tessa loves going there.

She is nine now and is slowing down a bit. As she’s getting older, sniffing is becoming more important. It’s like her olfactory system takes over the rest of her brain more often.  

So I get out of the car, laptop and hound dog in tow, in a hurry because I want to squeeze my work-out in before my next meeting. Tessa is trying to sniff every post and bush along the way (I call this checking her peemails). I am tugging on her a little saying, “Come on. Let’s go. Less sniffing more walking. Etc.” This blond woman walks past and says, “Oh yes, let’s not stop and smell the flowers because we have important things to do.” Well! The nerve of her! So annoying!

And then I realized she was telling me exactly what I’d been told in my meditation that morning. I started laughing and called out to her, “You know that’s exactly the message I needed just then. I’ll take the dog’s cue and smell some flowers!” The woman never turned around just gave me a thumps up over her shoulder.

It took ten minutes to walk the 100 feet to the computer store, Tessa checking peemails and me sniffing roses and lilies feeling the warm sun on our hides.

I think the lady may have been an angel. I’m certain it cannot be coincidence that dog written backwards spells G-O-D.

Cylvia Hayes

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Re-Learning to Live Beyond Shackles

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Have you ever carried a really heavy burden for so long that when it was gone you had to sort of relearn how to be and act without the weight bearing down on you? I’m going through that right now.

Having finally come to the end of an extremely painful and stressful 2½ year ordeal didn’t feel like I expected it would. It wasn’t immediately celebratory.   Instead it was just wildly emotional tinged with disbelief that it was finally over.

It took several days to let the waves of “goodness” of it wash in.   I felt like a totally dried out, hardened sponge that only gradually was soaking in the fact that the trauma had passed and I had been rebirthed on the other side.

I’ve heard that fish who are kept in small enclosures within bigger tanks or ponds for a long time will keep swimming in small circles for a long time after the walls of their prison are removed. I’ve seen something similar in horses and dogs that I’ve helped rescue from terribly confined and chained situations.

A Course in Miracles notes that often when people have been kept imprisoned, in chains, they don’t immediately stand up straight and celebrate — it takes a while to shake off the limiting conditioning. That’s true whether it’s physical shackles or the emotional and psychological bondage that comes from dealing with prolonged challenges, especially those that are largely out of our control.

I now have a whole new appreciation for this phenomenon and it is delicious to feel the shackles falling away.   That is the place to put the focus!

To all of you who have been strong enough to survive through big challenges and long, ongoing uncertainty and demands, I encourage you to take a breath, dive deep and swim a victory lap way outside your own small circle.

Reclaim your place in the big, big pond! Remember WHO YOU ARE!

Cylvia Hayes

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Going Through or Growing Through Our Big Mistakes

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

As someone who has been through it myself I now work with and support people who get caught in the horror of having their lives and careers blow up in spectacular fashion. For some people this is more public than for others and the public piece is certainly an added trauma – this I know first hand.

There are two really different forms of shaming and trauma experiences. One is when a person gets targeted and bullied for things that really are out of their control – how they look, their family situation or having something they said taken completely out of context and turned into something it wasn’t. Those are really hard circumstances because the person is truly and fully a victim of our cultural mob-mentality.

The other type is a little different in that the person being targeted made a mistake that set the whole thing in motion and the response to that mistake is way overblown and out of proportion due to sensationalist media and anonymous cyber-bullying.

Because I have been through it and because I know how ugly and dishonest media coverage of these kinds of events can be I never weigh in on any of the attacks or accusations. However, some of these more public mistakes and bullying episodes offer valuable insight for any of us going through a life and career altering identity challenge.

In some of the recent celebrity fiascos I actually got a bit angry at the public relations teams advising the person in public hot water. Olympian Ryan Lochte and comedian Kathy Griffin are poignant examples. Both of these people wound up under public assault because they made human mistakes and then they quickly returned to the public stage without taking the time to genuinely address their mistakes.  I suspect this only intensified and prolonged the trauma they were experiencing. It also backfired professionally.

And here’s what I want to stress for those of you facing something similar, whether its in the public arena, the arena of your community or even just among you and your family and friends, one of the most important steps in surviving and eventually thriving on the other side of a costly mistake is to take responsibility for it, for your own piece in the mess. This is important not only for saving your job, career, fan-base, etc., but also for coming through it more whole as a human being. It’s important for helping to heal those you harmed, including yourself.

Steps to doing this include:

  • I always say when your life blows up big you are going to have to go through it. Period. You can’t control that. But you can control whether or not you “grow” through it. Evidence shows that people who choose to learn and grow from traumatic experiences usually heal faster and healthier than those who shy away from the inner work.
  • Once you have a better understanding of yourself and why you made the mistake, apologize, genuinely, to those who were hurt by it.
  • Finally, take responsibility but don’t beat yourself to death. We’re human. We make mistakes. The bigger risks you take the bigger and more spectacular your mistakes are likely to be. Give yourself credit for having the courage to risk.

In my own process of owning and understanding my mistake I had to face aspects of myself I wasn’t very proud of — it was tremendously uncomfortable and unsettling. However, as I moved through it I also found levels of self-forgiveness and appreciation I’d never known before. There is no easy way to handle it when our human mistakes cause big damage to ourselves and others. Those experiences hurt, a lot, and they also offer huge opportunities to grow, improve and become more effective people and professionals.   That choice belongs to us.

If you’re interested in working with Cylvia to heal and thrive fill out the inquiry form here.

You can also download a free gift titled How to Breakthrough Instead of Breaking Down When Life Blows Up.

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How to Stop Being What Happened to You

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

I learned something about myself recently that shocked me. I realized I had tied my identity to the trauma I’d been through. In other words I was presenting as a victim. I would NEVER have believed that about myself and I didn’t like seeing it.

I think it mostly stemmed from the “Elephant in the Room” phenomenon. Those of you who have gone through a really intense, traumatic experience that a lot of people know about will get this. When you show up at events, parties, whatever, afterwards and people see you for the first time, “post-trauma” they don’t really know what to say. They’re often uncomfortable and usually lead with talking about the traumatic event. This is especially true if the trauma involves deep loss, shame or humiliation.

I dealt with this reaction so many times I came to expect it. If the person didn’t bring it up I’d bring it up because I was sure they were thinking about it. Even with prospective clients I’d bring it up because I was afraid they’d Google me and see stories about it.

At first I think that was mostly true. But over the last many months each time this would happen I’d feel drained and uncomfortable afterwards. I’d think, “Am I ever going to get to where that issue, that awful thing, doesn’t have to be front and center?”

Then I realized maybe I was the one making it so! So I made a conscientious effort not to mention it. After all, what was the worst that could happen if the other person was thinking about it but I didn’t mention it?

Most often the subject never came up. If the person I was talking with did bring it up I’d say, “Well it was certainly the most difficult thing I’ve gone through. And it has also been one of the most profound periods of growth in my life. Grateful that life is moving on.”   Then I’d move the conversation to other subjects.

This shifted my entire energy. It helped me remember all that I was and all that I had to offer.

It helped me remember that we are not what happened to us. The big traumas are just small pieces of the rich, beautiful tapestry that is YOU.

Here’s my advice for reentering society after a life-changing traumatic experience:

  • For a time, it will likely be the first thing that comes up in conversation and that’s probably healthy.
  • But after a while, it’s time to move on. In order to do that I recommend this:
    • Before going into any event that might include people who will know what you’ve been through remind yourself to be relaxed, remember your value, hold your head up and be natural
    • Make a point not to bring up the “Awful Event”
    • Develop a short, authentic, positive response to anyone who does bring it up
  • Even as you move on and make the Big Event a smaller piece of your story, stay open to real connection and concern, to authentic conversations. Healing from deep trauma is a process. Even as we reenter society and return to our old communities and normal activities we are often still healing. It is usually helpful to share the experience with someone who is genuinely interested and has gone through something similar.

And above all else, remember you are so much more than what happened to you.

Cylvia Hayes

I love working with people who are determined to reclaim their careers, lives and place in society after intense, identity-challenging ordeals.   If you are facing such a challenge and would like to talk with me please just send me a notice on the form at https://www.cylviahayes.net/coaching/.

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Happy Mothers Day to All Tough Mother F…ers!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
Tough Mother F…er! — Not what you think

As many of you know, one of the treasures I found in these past couple of really difficult years is a much, much deeper appreciation of my mother.

She’s had some really hard times, abused as a child and a wife and a mother. And yet, she stayed happy. She never talked about the hard stuff and she gushed about the good moments.

It used to drive me crazy! As a kid, the abuse spilled over onto me in a big way and I felt my mom was avoiding it, rewriting our history, in denial.  What the hell?!  I was pissed that she was whitewashing it.

I was wrong.

She doesn’t deny what went on. She’s just made a decision to FOCUS on the good. She has practiced gratitude for so long and so regularly that it’s now her native habitat.   She chose to find beauty and joy in simple pleasures. She made a CHOICE to be happy.

My mother is one Tough Mother Focuser! (Ha! You probably thought Tough Mother F..’er was going in a different direction! )

Focus is power. From the Law of Attraction, to The Secret, to recent developments in quantum physics, there are now mountains of evidence showing that our thoughts and intentions have concrete substance – they are very consequential. They shape our reality, our experiences, even our bodies.

For the last 30 years my mom’s life has not only delivered freedom from abuse but also beauty, love, joy, financial security.  And, as it turns out, greater appreciation from her children than she probably ever could have imagined.

My mom didn’t whitewash or run away from anything. Instead of delusional she’s intentional. She chose to focus on the positive because somehow she knew that life was much more than whatever awful situation we might be dealing with in any given moment.  Somehow, despite her very limited and challenging upbringing she knew that often the only thing we can control is how we choose to respond to any given situation and what we choose to FOCUS on.

Looking back I now see that I learned so much from her example. I have big time “Resiliency Muscles” and man, am I ever grateful for them!

Thanks Mom. You have set and continue to set such a beautiful example.   Happy Mother’s Day. I am so grateful for, and to, you.

Cylvia Hayes

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Reclaiming Your Worth

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

This story is for any of you who have been marginalized and are now ready to reclaim your truth, your worth and your seat at the table.

Reclaiming your place after you’ve been unfairly judged or marginalized by people who don’t even know you or derailed by events you just couldn’t have seen coming takes courage and is hard work. But if you want to really live you have to do it.

I had just such a challenge at the recent Peoples Climate March. When I realized my business travel schedule was going to prevent me from attending the big march in Washington DC I decided to help organize a sister event in my hometown of Bend Oregon.

I called a couple of fellow activists and joined in planning the events. I put in dozens of volunteer hours, mobilizing people, developing the message and marketing materials, sorting out various aspects of the event itself, even hanging posters around town. I also used my fairly significant social media platform to spread the word.

The organization that took the lead in the event was a local, all-volunteer climate action group. I deeply respected the hard work of their director and she and I worked together beautifully. The steering committee for the event was another story. All but one or two of them had never met me, but they had apparently made a decision about me based on ugly misinformation put forward in the media many, many months earlier. They were happy to have me do the behind the scenes work organizing the event but they didn’t want me to have a speaking role.

I was pissed! I was one of the first people ever to mention the issue of climate change in my hometown area and had been working and speaking as a professional on the issue since before most of those people had even moved here.

My first reaction was to lash out and call them to the carpet for their ugliness!

But I had a dilemma. First I didn’t want to tarnish the event itself – having a good showing as part of this historic action was too important. Second, I knew the director I’d been working with was in a tricky spot. She knew the steering committee was being unfair and counter-productive but she was caught in the middle. Even though I was hurt I didn’t want to cause her grief. Finally, even though it was tempting, I’d made a decision long ago not to fight ugliness that was shown me with more of the same in return.

And yet, I also was not going to allow myself to be marginalized and just sit back and take it. I had in fact been invited to have a fairly prominent role at the big march in DC but here in my podunk hometown I was shunned!

And here’s a word of advice for those of you facing something similar. I really shouldn’t have been surprised by the hometown rejection. I’ve learned from personal experience and the many reinvention clients I’ve worked with, that when navigating coming back from any big, particularly public, trauma the most awkward, and often unkind, places of reentering the arena are those close to home. Sometimes it’s bumping into the very person who lied about or ostracized you. Sometimes it’s an old rival acting on lingering jealousies by kicking you a bit. Some people fear getting too close to someone who has been smeared. And, very often, it’s just plain human awkwardness in not knowing how to act around someone who has been severely traumatized.

It’s hard to face. But here’s the deal, if you want to really heal, you have to get back in the saddle. I’m an old cowgirl! I’ve handled rough horses and rougher character assassins and I know this for sure when you get bucked off you have to get back on! If you don’t the fear and self-doubt grows.

So, what to do with my current dilemma?   How could I stand up to the marginalization and still benefit the event? I reached out to local media. I knew they knew me, would be interested in talking to me and therefore, would give some coverage to the climate march (I also wanted to give some support to the March for Science and pitched that as well).

The plan worked and at least in some small way helped support both events. We had great turnouts for both marches. Here is a link to the interview.  The reporter asks how I could continue doing my work after all that I’d been through and I said

So, my fellow travellers in the journey of “Reentering the Arena after Trauma and Attack,” be brave. Don’t shrink into the shadows but at the same time don’t add to the ugliness. It may take some time but if you stand strong and kind you will find your way back into the sunshine again. Never forget, you are completely unique, with gifts only you and your one-of-a-kind set of experiences have to offer.

Cylvia Hayes

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Note: Click here to get a free download of my gift, How to Breakthrough Instead of Breaking Down When Life Blows Up at this this link.

Leaping with Faith — Outcome Amazing!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

Cyl on shore in Tarifa Africa in background — 4-17  Each morning as part of my meditation and prayer time I read the daily affirmation in the Daily Word. It often seems to be just what I need at that moment, but the perfect fit of last Sunday’s message was over the top.

It read:

I honor and celebrate all humankind. The myriad uniqueness of humankind is to be honored and celebrated. Each and every person is a creation of God. I pray that all people everywhere find the freedom to live life who they are and as they are. Learning about people far and wide, I immerse myself in the wholeness of life, a concept that nurtures inclusiveness.

We honor our individual practices, languages, or heritages. Learning about the life experiences of others is an opportunity for all of us to learn. …

This was especially perfect because I read these words in the breakfast area of a hotel in in Southern Spain. I speak only a little Spanish and what I do is more “Spanglish” than actual Spanish — I can forget making heads or tails of anything if people are speaking fast. “Mas lento por favor” (more slowly please) is one of my most frequent phrases.

The Daily Word reading really struck home with me at that moment because I was just about to leave the hotel by myself to try to get to Tarifa, a much more remote region, and I hadn’t heard from my colleague there. I didn’t know if I would be able to make contact with him. To be honest I was a little nervous because the area is very close to the Middle East, had a large and visible Muslim population and I was a white, American woman travelling solo. Both Spain and Morocco are on the U.S. terrorism caution list.

Tuning into my nervousness, I reflected on the Daily Word message and decided to just sit a moment and listen to the purr of the foreign language without trying to understand it. I focused on each individual person in the hotel lobby, seeing them as just another human being dealing as best they could with travel and logistics and fussy children.

Me and Johnny A, founder of the eco-village Molinda del Guadalamesi in Tarifa

I’ve had a lifelong dream to get to Africa and this was my chance to at least see the shoreline of the continent. I decided to take a risk and trust. Just as I was walking out the front door of the hotel I got a text from my colleague. He would meet me in Tarifa!

What transpired next was one of the most magical travel days I’ve ever experienced. I had a lovely, deep conversation (blending several languages) over a beer in the bus stop with a dark-skinned man from Morocco. I laughed with women wearing burkas.

I arrived on the southern-most tip of Europe and just across the straight of Gibraltar I saw Africa!

I was given an amazing tour of Tarifa and my colleague’s wonderful eco-village and center (more on that in later post). He and other new friends treated me to a fabulous meal at the eco-center’s restaurant. He got buried by business at the restaurant so yet another new friend rushed me back to the bus stop half an hour away with ten minutes to spare to catch the last late night bus back to the city.

On the long, late night bus ride back to the city, in the soft darkness I listened to the murmer of quiet speech and muffled snoring. Laughter, kindness, hugs and humanity know no language barriers.  Grateful for the courage to leap into the unknown and not screw up the day by making plans!

#CylviaHayes

Happy Earth Day!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes

On this Earth Day 2017 I hope all of you take some time today to get outside and enjoy and appreciate our beautiful planet — maybe even put your feet in the sand!

I’ll be celebrating at the New Economy & Social Innovation Forum in Malaga Spain. We’ve had an incredible event so far and I am truly inspired by all the positive developments, energy and deep commitments to really positive change.

In honor of Earth Day here are a few pieces of good news (that you rarely hear about in the news) about what’s happening on our lovely blue planet.  Like each of us the Earth has been going through some trauma.  And like each of us, with a little support, she’s resilient and capable of healing.

  • Vegetation cover globally has actually increased since 2003 due to the natural regrowth of savannahs in Australia and Africa and forests in Russia, and also large-scale reforestation programs in China.
  • Clean energy is growing at a record pace. Last year the U.S. added 11 Hoover Dams worth of renewable energy and the world broke records for solar and wind installations.
  • Electric vehicles soared past 1 million in 2015 and are on-pace to reach 20 million by 2020.
  • As you read this a Conservation Optimism summit is taking place in London where environmentalists and wildlife biologists are sharing the many conservation, restoration and species recovery successes going on right now on the planet
    Today I celebrate this gorgeous blue planet and the incredible diversity of life she supports. I also celebrate the successes we environmentalists, eco-entrepreneurs, scientists and advocates are having in protecting her.

Here’s to healing our lovely selves and our lovely planet!

Cylvia Hayes

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Rising Up, Emerging Strong — Love Easter!

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
A little Easter magic for all of us.

I love the symbolism of Easter. It’s not about Jesus’ death, but rather his example showing we all have the ability to rise again and choose life. I didn’t appreciate Easter nearly as much until I went through my own, very intense, identity-“crucifixion” and am coming out the other side with a much deeper spiritual awareness that adds beauty to every aspect of life.

This Easter is particularly special because I am on my way to Spain for the first professional international speaking gig since my “crucifixion” began. On top of that I’m also rolling out a brand new Hour of Power Activist Empowerment workshop that developed as a direct result of the pain and growth of the past two years. I am really excited about it and just shake my head in wonder at how magical life can be when we decide not just to go through, but to grow through the really hard stuff.

John was beautifully loving, encouraging and supportive in making this trip happen — right down to the sweetest send off at the airport. We’ve been through a lot together and my heart is very full and grateful to and for him. Colleagues helped me prep the new workshop. My wonder neighbors/ dog-whisperers are taking great care of Tessa, the rascally cats and my entire little home. I feel very, very blessed.

My prayer this Easter is that everyone who has suffered attack, deep hurts and the death of their old selves will tap into the beauty of the Easter story and their own inner strength to rise up, roll back the stones in their way and emerge strong and healed.

Happy Easter everyone! Here’s to beautiful resurrections!

Cylvia Hayes

 

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Taking Your Power Back with Forgiveness

Posted on by Cylvia Hayes
Me, Soraya Deen and Lawrence Schechter at Central Oregon City Club. Topic a Muslim Woman’s story of life in America.

Something extraordinary just happened. I had wanted to go to an event today but had expected to be out of town. My schedule changed so I hadn’t had to travel but I’d forgotten all about the event. Then, this morning, two hours before start time, a friend contacted me to say he had an extra ticket if I wanted it.

At first I was going to say no. I had other plans and work I wanted to get to, but something about the event and the serendipitous invitation pulled me, so I went and wound up listening to an extraordinary woman. Soraya Deen is co-founder of the Muslim Women’s Speakers Movement. She was in my hometown, Bend Oregon, to share her story of being a Muslim woman in America. Her message is one of peace, mutual respect, kindness and taking action to make our world a more peaceful and beautiful place.

Me thanking Soraya Deen for her beautiful message of kindness, mutual respect and celebrating diversity.  

As I was listening to her powerful story and wisdom I realized that just a few feet from me at the next table were two people who had piled onto the media attacks against me. One had lied about me to reporters, trying to capture five minutes of fame at my expense. The other was his girlfriend who had also been unkind. Just a year and a half before this man lied about me to the press he had asked me, because I was in a fairly prominent position, to write a chapter and help promote a book he’d been working on. One moment I was good enough to help him write a book, the next he was publically maligning me.

As I covertly looked at him while he watched the speaker, emotions surged and my first reaction was to confront him, call him out on his nasty, dishonest behavior. Then I remembered all the hard work I’ve done these past two years to forgive and to avoid putting into the world the same ugliness I’d received. Just as I was experiencing this, a teenager in the audience asked Soraya what advice she had for the youth. She said, “Be kind. It’s the most important thing. Be kind even to people who harm you.”

I snapped back into the present moment. I knew she spoke truth and I knew I was being given a chance to act on it. So I re-envisioned what I might say if the two approached me. I would not accuse or hit back. I would merely say, “I hope you’re doing well and that your wounds have healed.”

As it turned out as soon as they realized I was there, they got noticeably uncomfortable and took off immediately at the end of the speech. Half an hour later after a wonderful visit with Soraya and some of the other guests I was leaving the building just as another woman was coming in. I realized it was the girlfriend. She saw me and flushed. I held the door open for her. She kept her head down, avoided eye contact and mumbled “thank you” as she nervously scurried through. I said, “You’re welcome.”

One of my favorite metaphors lately is that choosing not to forgive is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness isn’t saying what they did was OK – forgiveness is choosing to take your power back.

My head was high and my heart light as I walked from the building into the sunshine.

Cylvia Hayes 

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